She Doesn't Belong to You!

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She Doesn’t Belong to You!

An Open Letter to Young Men

The purpose of this letter is to address a couple of things that have disturbed me for some time now, and increasingly so in recent months and weeks. This letter is not directed at any particular individuals, although it is indeed applicable to several young people that I know today.

I realize that this letter will seem old fashioned in principle to many, even if the wording is modern. Should you consider this letter and myself so, I simply direct you to Jer. 6:16.

Over recent years I have observed many young people (some, even yet children) referring to their special friend of the opposite sex as, “my girl” or “my man”. I am not speaking of married couples, but of boys and girls, young men and young women who are dating or courting, yet often who are not even yet engaged to one another. Neither is it uncommon to see pictures of “lovers” hugging, kissing, and holding hands or perhaps just sitting so close together a flea couldn’t squeeze through.  Over the recent July 4^th holiday, while spending some time in WV with family, one of my sisters asked me what I thought about boys and girls hugging by way of greeting; apparently, there have been several people tell her that she should not have any problems with boys and girls hugging by way of greeting, indicating that this should be and seem natural; there is also a book for girls written by a couple of sisters that espouses the same idea.

Here is what I want to know: What makes you think, young man, that she belongs to you? And to whom do you belong?

Ironically, the people I am referring to are people who would claim to be Christians (in reality, a Christian is someone whom others believe is a follower of Jesus Christ). Of course, I can’t tell it by what they are saying in this respect, nor by the way they look and act like the rest of the lost world in their flirting with impurity, but that is what they would claim. Some may in fact be erring because of ignorance; however, I know that many are not in ignorance, but grew up in homes that taught better.

Allow me to first address this issue of you calling your special friend, “my girl”. Can someone please, please, tell me in what way your special friend belongs to you??? You haven’t announced an engagement: you are not brother or sister (I hope, and that would be beyond creepy anyway!): to my knowledge you don’t believe in slavery; so in what way does your special friend belong to you? Young man, have you asked her father for her hand in marriage yet? Have you paid the bride price already if her father requires it? Have you asked her to do you the honor of becoming your wife? If so, then perhaps it may be acceptable to refer to your special friend in this manner (although I would still argue otherwise, and believe it most truthful to say, “my fiancé”); but why then have others and I not been told the wonderful and exciting news of your upcoming wedding? After all, you are speaking in a manner that denotes ownership. And yet, I am certain that your last names are still different, that you do not pay for her room and board or education, and that you have never claimed her as a dependent on your tax forms! Maybe you should ask her father whose girl she is!!! I understand of whom a man is speaking when he says, “my wife” or “my daughter”; but when you, who aren’t married and do not have children (I hope) say, “my girl” you put me to some confusion. I won’t even bother to talk about the fact that if something happens between you and the one you are claiming as your girl, it is only a matter of time until you call another girl “my girl”… Seriously??? Can you not see the foolishness of this? Frankly, every time you call a girl, “my girl” when she is not, you are telling an untruth. I won’t say that you are lying, because to lie is to tell a falsehood knowingly, and many of you have been ignorant of these principles. Of course, now that you have read this, you are no longer in ignorance. So stop it already!

Now, let’s consider touching before marriage. And again I ask the questions: What makes you think that she belongs to you, and that you have a right to touch her? And to whom do you belong?

One would like to think that this would no longer need to be addressed; however, a simple glimpse around the church building, the grocery store or Facebook will make it amply clear that there remains a great need for more teaching/preaching in this area.  

The passage of Scripture that most people think of in connection with this subject is 1Cor. 7:1,2; they do so with good reason. I want to direct your attention to a couple of the words here, and their definitions.

The first word that we want to consider is the word “good” in verse 1. It is Strong’s #2570 and means beautiful, valuable or virtuous. This word is found repeatedly throughout the New Testament, with the following being just a few examples: Matt. 3:10; 5:16; John 10:11,14,32; Rom. 14:21; 1Cor. 5:6; 1Tim. 3:1,7; 2Tim. 4:7.

Now let’s look at the word “touch” in verse 1. It is Strong’s #680 and means simply “to attach oneself to, i.e., to touch”. Considering the context of where we find this verse, it is quite clear here that the meaning of the word “touch” means to touch in a sensual manner; that is, any touch that is, or is intended to be, for sexual pleasure or gratification. I suppose that many young men would try to argue that their desire to simply hold hands is not intended to be sensual; however, I do not believe there is any way for it to be otherwise. You wouldn’t just casually hold the hand of just any girl would you? (If you answered “yes” to that, go back to the beginning where I addressed the principle of ownership.) So then, why do you desire to hold the hand of your special friend (or hug, or kiss her)? As a frank and honest man, and as a married man, I assure you that even the holding of a woman’s hand is indeed a sensual matter (usually excluding times of assistance), as is putting your arm around her, etc.; blessed of God if you are married, “not good” if you are not.

But let us look further at this word translated touch in our text. We also find it scattered in the New Testament; in fact, in the Authorized Version there appears to be only 2 other Greek words translated touch for a total of three uses, versus Strong’s #680 which is translated touch 13x. Some examples of this word are in the following references: Matt. 9:21; Mark 6:56; John 20:17; 2Cor. 6:17. Do you think for an instant that the woman with an issue of blood in Matt. 9:21 desired to caress or fondle the garment of Jesus? Or that the sick in Mark 6:56 had to caress, hold on to or fondle the border of His garment in order to be made whole? Do you intend to interpret 2Cor. 6:17 “Wherefore come out from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord, and touch not the unclean thing; and I will receive you” as meaning only a lingering, caressing or fondling hold on the unclean thing? You know this is not right! And yet, it is the same word spoken when it says, “It is good for a man not to touch a woman”. Can you not see how inconsistent it is to interpret all of the other instances of this word as meaning a simple touch, and yet try to redefine this one in such a manner so as to allow for your lust? What we learn here is that, even though the word “touch” in 1Cor. 7:1 means a sensual touch in its strictest contextual sense, even a simple touch may be sensual; this would be determined by the purpose and intent of the touch.

Please do not understand me to say that I believe to greet a woman with a handshake, or a touch of necessity (as in helping a woman who is injured, elderly, young, weak, etc.) is wrong, for I do not. What I am addressing is the intentional and unnecessary touching’s of play and affection that so many engage in before marriage.

Let us go further in these verses and look at verse 2 of 1Cor. 7. “Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.” Now there is ownership and possession I can understand, and of which God Almighty approves! Isn’t it interesting that it doesn’t say, ‘let every man have his own girl’ (or girlfriend, or fiancé)? No, it says, “wife”, because that alone is approved by God! Is this what you can call your special friend?

So let me be blunt with you. Your touching (sitting right up against one another, holding hands, hugging, kissing, caressing, fondling) of your special friend that you are considering for marriage, or perhaps are even engaged to, is, according to this passage, “not good”! The apostle Paul says that it is “good for a man not to touch a woman”; that is, that it is beautiful, valuable and virtuous not to touch a woman. What you are doing by and in your touching is the exact opposite. In this aspect, your relationship is not beautiful, valuable or virtuous. Considering verse 2 (“to avoid fornication”), I would go so far as to say that your touching before marriage comes at least very close to fornication, even if it is not technically so.

But 1Cor. 7:1,2 is not the only passage giving direction in this area of relationships. What about Prov. 6:27-29 “Can a man take fire in his bosom, and his clothes not be burned? Can one go upon hot coals, and his feet not be burned? So he that goeth into his neighbors wife; whosever toucheth her shall not be innocent.” Perhaps you say that your special friend is not someone else’s wife; that may very well be true, but neither is she yours, and that is the point (remember what I wrote at the beginning?). Young man, you have no idea what passions may be aroused (as God intended them to be!) by a simple touch! You think, perhaps, that you can imagine it, but if you have never touched a girl that you love (here I use the word “love” to mean affection for), there is no way that you can even begin to have an idea of what that is like. “whosever toucheth her shall not be innocent.” Hands off for purity’s sake! Hands off for safety’s sake! Hands off for testimony’s sake!

I once asked a young man why he wanted to touch his special friend, and his answer was, that he loved her and intended to marry her. Time will not permit me to fully expound upon it, but such a desire is not love, but lust. Love would not want to do something to or with his special friend, the one he hoped would someday be his wife, that would not be beautiful, valuable or virtuous either for her or him. The only way such a young man’s desire could be defined as love is if he were speaking of love of himself. He stated to me as his defense that the desire to touch is “a natural response to the growth of a healthy relationship.” While I wholeheartedly agree with that statement (and thank God it is so!), that is no justification for the touching to begin before marriage. I might just as well, and just as truthfully, say that the desire to physically “know” a woman is a natural response to the growth of a healthy relationship. His argument for touching (whether that be holding of hands, kissing or hugging) is as good of a justification for the one as for the other. Furthermore, just because he intended to marry her does not mean that they were married, or even that they would be; only time would tell the truth of that, regardless of how much both might have wanted it. In other words, she didn’t belong to him, and that is the crux of this whole matter.

A word on boundaries:

If what has been said and the Scriptures shared have not been enough to convince you that it is wrong to touch before marriage, then perhaps a little more reasoning will help. So many young people say that they have discussed touching with their special friend and that they have set boundaries for themselves. Yet, who are we to set boundaries? Should we not rather go to God’s Word, which is “profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness” and search for His boundaries and obey them? But this defense by young people of boundaries can actually give some light on the whole question of touching. Please, can you tell me where in the Scripture you can find a boundary that says it is OK to hold hands, but hugging is definitely out? Or that holding hands and hugging is OK, but kissing is a no-no? Or how about that it is OK to kiss, but going any farther is forbidden? You can’t find those boundaries and you know it! There is nothing in the Bible that I am aware of that either expressly or implicitly establishes any distinction in boundaries before marriage such as these. So, that leads me to believe that either no touching is permissible or that all touching is. It’s all or nothing! And I think by now we know God’s will (and Word) on the matter; the question is, are you going to obey Him? Again, I’ll just put it bluntly to you: It is not your place to set boundaries. Your responsibility (and mine as a married man) is to go to God’s Word, read the boundaries He has established and simply obey them. Stop trying to fool yourself with a façade of righteousness and spirituality by saying that you have established the boundaries and simply submit to following the principles of God’s Holy Word!

A personal testimony:

If you have never touched a girl before, you have no idea the pull that first touch will bring. I have been married for two and a half years, but it is not so long ago that I have forgotten the first time I touched my wife! And yes, thank God, she was my wife when we first touched. I remember the first time we held hands, the first time I put my hands on her and the first time we kissed. And I’m so thankful that we didn’t do it before the wedding. You see, waiting until after we were married meant that we were free to touch; there was nothing in the way. We didn’t have to worry about boundaries or going too far. Our touching was approved and blessed by God, and it was a good thing! I firmly believe that if we had touched before marriage, even just holding hands, we would have felt guilt later and touching after marriage would have lost some if its blessing and joy in the guilt of remembering that we didn’t wait. I have never heard one couple that regretted waiting until the wedding to touch, but I have heard from those who wished they had. You think you just can’t wait to touch her, but you might as well get used to it. Depending on the woman you do marry, there may be days when she doesn’t want you to touch her, and may even refuse to allow it. (Thankfully, my wife is not such an one. )  There will be weeks, perhaps even months when you will have to wait on her; if you can’t control yourself now, you probably won’t be able to then either. And the man that loves his wife will wait not only on her, but for her, including before she becomes his wife.

You say that you just cannot wait that long!

Perhaps you feel that you just cannot wait until the wedding day to touch her. Well, God has an answer for that: “I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them to abide even as I. But it they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn.” 1Cor. 7:8,9. If indeed you feel that you just cannot wait, then marry! That is God’s answer! He didn’t say to hold hands a little to try and cool the fire, or to go ahead and kiss once in a while to ease the tension. Because God, who made us, knows that He designed these things to bring a couple closer together, to ignite the passions of love, to culminate in husband and wife becoming one. And He said, “to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife”; that is His answer to your desires of touch. I am not saying that a quick marriage is best by any means, and neither was the apostle Paul; in some ways, it will be trading one trouble for others (financial, lack of preparation, etc.). But what he was saying, through the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, is that it is better to marry and have some troubles, than to burn with desire and commit fornicaton.

Now, let me ask you again a question I have asked twice already: to whom do you belong?

I have written this open letter to young men, but not to just any young men. I have written to young men with the assumption that they are professing Christians. But now I want to ask you, to whom do you belong? If you profess to be a Christian, then you are not your own; God owns you by his purchase through the shed blood of his Son Jesus Christ. You are not free to do whatever you want, and that includes touching whomever you want with your body. You are no more your own than a married man is his own; you belong to Another, just as he belongs to another. Are you going to take the body God has given you, with the passions that He has given you and use them in a way not pleasing to Him? What example will you set for those around you in this matter of purity before marriage? 1Thess. 5:22 says “Abstain from all appearance of evil.” You may argue that your touching isn’t fornication; I don’t know your heart, and so can’t definitively say that it is; but one thing is certain, it sure enough looks like it! And if you continue in your insistence to touch, I wouldn’t give a plug nickel for the possibility of your remaining pure in thought and deed before marriage. And I will tell you straight out that what you are doing is contrary to all virtue and that it is of no value in your pre-marital relationship. I will not think your pictures where the both of you are practically sitting on top of one another are cute; instead they are saddening in that they show you do not hold the bonds of marriage sacred. That alone should be enough to cause your special friend concern; because if you don’t hold the bonds of marriage sacred now, you may not do so after marriage either.

I’m not trying to be mean or hateful. But no one else I know is telling young men the truth of God’s Word in this area, and with the dangers in this area some sternness and directness seems to be in order.

A distinction noted:

Some young men who are somewhat familiar with the Bible may say, in defense of their words and actions of familiarity such as I am writing against, that young men and young women of Bible times were considered and called husband and wife after their engagement but before the wedding. This would only be partly true, though, as those during Bible days were betrothed and not engaged. Our engagements of today are nothing like the betrothals then. Under the betrothal system, the bride price was paid, and there appears to have been a covenant to marry. Before family and friends, and according to the law, the man and the woman actually belonged to one another; they were indeed husband and wife although that marriage had not been consummated. Under betrothal, both had a covenantal, societal and legal claim on the other.

This is not at all like our engagement system of today. While some born-again young people have every true intention of marrying the one they have asked to marry them or promised to marry, there is nothing covenantally, legally or officially binding them. And therein lies the problem: they are not by covenant, nor in the eyes of society or the law (either God’s or man’s) husband and wife: they do not belong to one another in any way. (This is not to say that it is always necessary for society and/or the law of man to approve or disapprove of a marriage for it to be legitimate or illegitimate.) A betrothal was a covenant that could only be broken due to unfaithfulness on the part of the other; engagements are broken frequently for many varied reasons and with little thought as to the seriousness of one’s word.

While I would still maintain that it is best and wisest to refrain from touching until the marriage has taken place, if a man and woman were to do a betrothal, that is, to covenant to one another before witnesses to become husband and wife, I would not go so far as to consider and call it fornication as I do now. But until families (parents and children) go back to this system – hands off!

May God bless you and your special friend as you seek His will for your life! And may God give you the grace and resolve of virtuous character to remain pure until the time when you both belong to each other until death do you part!

In Christian love and concern,

Paul B. Carpenter

P.S. I know that this is written with sarcasm, bluntness and passion; please do not mistake me to be or feel mean or hateful as a result. While I am increasingly of the belief that gentleness in writing is best, for my purpose here I felt that some direct "confrontational" words were in order.